Gina Heslop
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk box*rs.
You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want s*x or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Husband
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.
Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk box*rs: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Wife
